So Noelle was up a good portion of the night vomiting. We went through 4 pairs of pajamas for her, 1 for me, 3 crib sheets, 1 daybed comforter, 1 daybed sheet and mattress pad, and 4 loads of laundry all before 5 AM. Awesome. She didn't seem to feel sick, in fact she wanted to play with her little people and the dogs and run around the house at 4 in the morning. But then there was the vomiting.

This morning she seemed to be feeling better, although she didn't eat much for breakfast. What she did eat, though, came right back out as we drove to the hospital this morning to pick up Charlotte's ashes. As if that wasn't hard enough to do all by itself. The car seat was trashed, I hadn't brought a change of clothes, and all I had to clean her with was kleenex. Thankfully I remembered there was a onesie thrown in the trunk that I could put on her.

So we got back from the hospital, gave Noelle a bath and put her to bed. Now I'm doing more loads of laundry, I took the carseat apart, I'm washing the cover in the machine and took the actual seat outside and hosed it down. Hopefully it dries relatively quickly. And next, I get to head out to the car to clean off the seat, because a good amount of vomit actually dripped down under the seat through the hole where the buckle is. Also I had to throw her vomity clothes on the floor of the car while we went into the hospital, and they left a few marks.

Andy is at a conference and won't be home until tomorrow evening, and we're pretty much stuck inside because I can't take my sick child around other kids. Nor do I want to risk her throwing up all over her carseat again. Good times.

One of the joys of owning a home is being responsible for fixing things that need fixing.

Case in point...we have a stone retaining wall in our side yard that prevents our neighbor's yard, and pool, from merging with our crawlspace. When we had the home inspected, our guy told us to keep an eye on it. So for the last 2+ years, everytime I mowed the yard, I'd eyeball the wall to see if it was okay.

Over the last 6 months I've been noticing that it seems to have bulged slightly and I started getting concerned. I don't particularly care for our bedroom to have pool in the middle of it. So I've been asking people how I would go about finding out who "owned" the wall. I mean, if it's on the border of my property, then it's also on the border of someone else's property right?

So I took Noelle out to walk in the front yard yesterday. We were out there for a few minutes when I looked over and saw a complete disaster (see attached picture). Apparently all of the rain we've had recently piled up behind the wall and just caused it to totally collapse. It's only about a 10-12 foot section but it's demolished.

So, what I've got to find out is:
1) Who is responsible for fixing this
2) If we're responsible, does homeowners insurance cover this?
3) What sort of company do I even call to look at this and fix it?

And to top it all off, I'm going out of town for 5 days. Luckily, the insurance company has my cell number. Gotta love owning a home right?

We had Noelle's 18 month checkup today, with a new doctor. I definitely liked this woman better than our old doctor, but I'm still not sure if it's a perfect fit. I would say "is there ever one?" but I adore both my PNP (doctor) and my midwives, so yes, I think there can be. I just don't know how much time and effort I'm willing to put into finding one here in Nashville when Noelle will barely remember them. And they do a good job, it's more personality and some parenting method advice that I've not been as keen on. Those things I can just ignore and they don't affect my child's health. So, we'll continue with this new doctor a few more times and see how things go.

Noelle absolutely hated being at the doctor's today. I know part of it was that she just wanted to run wild and I had to contain her a little bit, but she was freaking out more than she really ever does. She was crying so hard that no noise was even coming out while they were simply trying to lay her down to see how tall she is. So, we got her new stats, but I'm not sure how accurate some of them are since she was all over the place.

Weight: 28 lbs, 3 oz (80th percentile)
Height: 33 inches (90th perc)
Head: 48.5 cm (90th perc)

The height is the most likely to be wrong, but even as it is, 33 inches is the average height of a 2 year old girl according to our doctor. Noelle's bound to pass me up in height before she's done growing. They say that a good estimate of future height is the child's height at age 2, multiplied by 2. Which means the average 2 year old girl at 33 inches will turn out to be 5'6". Noelle still has 6 months of growing to do before she's 2, so we'll see how tall she is then! Next appointment at 24 months.

I visited my midwife yesterday for a postpartum check up. I was glad to go, because I had a few questions that I wanted to ask and just wanted to reconnect with my midwife. I was pretty out of it while she was there with me at the hospital, and I knew there were a few things she talked with Andy about that I was asleep or in surgery for. We spent the majority of time talking about how I'm doing emotionally and how I'm processing Charlotte's death, and I left knowing that right there is why I chose to use a midwife. I shared with Margaret how wonderful our experience at the hospital was, considering, and how I felt so cared for by every single person we came into contact with. Vanderbilt was so respectful of me, and more importantly, of Charlotte. My nurse cried with me and let me talk as much as I needed to, the resident who performed the D&C patted and rubbed my arm as I was going under anesthesia, and everyone who came to our room said they were sorry about Charlotte's death and didn't just do what they had to do and ignore the reason. I was very impressed with the way Vanderbilt cared for us and for Charlotte.

One of the questions I asked today was about some things I've read online since Charlotte died, namely that a baby who dies in the womb will start to shrink at the same rate they would have grown if they continued to develop. That led me to believe that Charlotte was probably closer to 18 weeks old when she died as opposed to the 16.5 weeks she was measuring, and Margaret agreed that was probably the case. I am glad to know that she had likely only been dead for a few days or a week, because now I know that I felt her moving the weekend before, and I am glad to have that memory.

She also said it was likely that the cord got wrapped loosely around Charlotte's neck early on, and as she grew she was just never able to wiggle out of it. That image is not one that I enjoy having, but I do feel some resolution knowing that it was definitely a cord accident and nothing else, and the likelihood of that happening is like being struck by lightning. I will still be anxious with our next pregnancies, but I can feel fairly confident that this was an isolated incident.

The last question I had was when it will be okay to try for another baby, and while my nurses at the hospital suggested 6 months because of the blood I lost, Margaret said it would be fine to try after 3 as long as I pursue a diet high in iron and continue my vitamins. We hope that we have the same fertility luck we've had thusfar, but know that isn't by any means a guarantee and has been a complete blessing. So, our prayer is that by the time Charlotte's year anniversary comes along, we are close to a due date for our third child. I just want to be in a place in our pregnancy that I can feel the baby moving all the time and feel more confident than you can feel at the stage I was in with Charlotte.

And now Noelle is probably finishing up what looks to be a 3 hour nap, so I'm going to try and enjoy the last few minutes of free time I have!

I took this picture yesterday at the fountains, and I printed it out and framed it for Andy to put on his desk at work. They had such a great time together at the fountains, running all over the place and climbing every stair they had. I love watching Andy and Noelle together. Sometimes the things he does with her make me cringe, like hanging her upside down by her feet, throwing her too high in the air for my comfort, or wrestling around with her on the floor, but I know those things are important for her, too. And more often, he is gentle and caring in a way that only a child could bring out in a person.

Andy is constantly amazed by Noelle and lets her know it. He tells her that he loves her multiple times every day, and shows her by all the little things he does. He gets up with her every weekday morning and changes her, feeds her breakfast, and plays with her before he gets ready for work. She loves to watch his car leave the driveway in the morning, and she asks about Daddy several times throughout each day. The look in her eyes when she hears his car pull into the driveway at the end of the day, and when he comes into the house after work, is one of pure excitement and joy.

I can tell that Andy loves his role as Daddy, and he is really good at it. Usually. Haha. All dads have their moments, right? Things they do or forget to do that a mom would do "better." But even if he forgets her sippy cup or an extra diaper, or feeds her chips and salsa for breakfast, or lets her run around naked and pee on the floor, I know how important it is for Noelle to have him in her life, doing things exactly the way he does them.

I really miss Charlotte today. Andy was telling Noelle this morning that she is one of the reasons that he is celebrating today, along with the other babies that are waiting to be in mommy's belly. And her sister that should have been with us still today, but will only know her Heavenly Father, not her earthly one. Of course, even the perfect earthly father cannot compare to the way God loves and cares for His children, but I still wish Charlotte could have known her Daddy. She would have loved him as much as Noelle, I'm sure of it.

After a pretty long day of entertaining the little girl who tends to run our household these days (at least she thinks so), we decided to venture out to Bicentennial Park where they have fountains that you can run around in as well as a Farmer's Market right next door. Noelle and I had just gone to the fountains this past Thursday morning and she had a blast, so I knew she'd love to go again. I did hope that this time she fell down a lot less, and she managed to stay upright the whole time today. On Thursday, she was bleeding from about four different places by the time I called it a day.

Andy was able to come along this time, and we had a great family outing. Playing in the fountains, chasing Noelle all over the park, changing her diaper in a public area (and forgetting the diaper on the bench, going back 45 minutes later to throw it away. oops.), and sharing a fresh pear and a falafel from the Farmer's Market. Noelle even met a little friend during dinner that gave her a picture she colored.

And now, thankfully, she is in bed. She woke up at 5:59 this morning and I've not had but an hour or so of "free" time all day. Such is the life of a mom, and although I get frustrated with days like today when I really felt like spending some time with my grief, I know how blessed I am to have a child to hold and love and care for. And just look at that beautiful girl splashing away in the fountains - how could that not make you smile?

I had Andy add an RSS Feed link to our website. For those of you who don't know what that means, basically it is a way to alert you when we've written a new post as opposed to having to stop by every day to check. I certainly don't know a lot about RSS Feeds, but I can tell you what I do know.

If you have installed Internet Explorer version 7 on your computer, you will see in your toolbar somewhere across the top a little red-orange square. If you put your mouse over it, it will tell you that you can view feeds on this page. Click it, then it will tell you that you can subscribe to our feed. When you subscribe, IE7 will add a "Feeds" list where your Favorites are kept up on the toolbar. To see if any of your feeds have new posts, you just go to your favorites, choose feeds, and see if any of them are bold. If so, you can click on the name and it will take you to the new post.

If you don't have IE7 or you want to view feeds another way, you'll have to Google it or ask Andy. There is a button at the bottom right of our site that you can also click to add us as a feed if it's not in your toolbar. I just wanted to add this feature because I know that all of you check our site daily and are overwhelmed with sadness when we haven't written a new post. Thanks to RSS, you don't have to go through that every day any longer.

Yesterday I encountered a series of mishaps that left me feeling frustrated, and laughing at the same time. First, we had received a meal from a friend during Bible Study in the morning, and as I tried to fit it into the refrigerator I knocked over a glass of fruit tea I had saved from the night before. Fruit tea all over everything in my fridge. It took me about 15 minutes to completely clean up the mess I had made, and I couldn't help but think how wrong it was that a meal given to me to free up my time caused this mess that was taking up my free time. Well, the meal and my clumsiness.

Later, after Noelle woke up from her nap, I went to change her diaper and as I pulled off her shorts, poop came flying out onto her changing table and my hand. There was definitely a lot of poop, but the main reason it overflowed is that her diaper apparently got put on a little crooked in the nursery or somehow wiggled around so that it was not completely covering her behind. So I stripped her down, trying not to get anything else dirty. Then as we stood in front of the bathtub while it filled up, Noelle of course being naked, she peed on the bathroom rug and floor.

Then we went to play with some friends at a local sprayground, and while pretty much everything went just fine, Noelle hit the back of her head pretty hard while going down the slide. And after daddy got home, he scraped Noelle's foot against the screen door coming in from the pool, causing many long seconds of a silent cry before an eruption of screaming.

At the end of the day, I went over to a friend's house to pick up some snacks she had made for us, and along with some very yummy treats, she gave me of all things - a pitcher of fruit tea. It's kind of nice how it all comes back around. It's almost providential.

Kind of like how last week, Noelle kept asking me for an apple and I had to tell her we were all out, and that I was sorry. Then maybe 10 minutes later, the doorbell rang and I was being given a basket of fruit and goodies, and all of a sudden I had an apple. I know those things are not that big of a deal, but I also know we have a God that meets the needs of his people. Even the silly ones.

Church yesterday was hard, as I knew it would be. A lot of people that I hadn't seen since we lost Charlotte who wanted to offer sympathy, a lot of pregnant women, and just being well loved by our church body all contributed to a good number of tears shed. During the opening prayer, the elder was talking about God's power and how he can move mountains and heal his people and bring children into the lives of families. As I sat there listening, I experienced the anger stage of grieving for the first time. That's right, God, you are all powerful, and you can save and heal and bring life. Why didn't you do that for Charlotte? Why wouldn't you do that for me? It passed pretty quickly, but I was very angry during that prayer.

During the service, I just couldn't pay attention, so I started to flip through a book our Children's Pastor gave me called "Losing You Too Soon" by Bernadette Keaggy, wife of Phil Keaggy. They lost three pregnancies in a row in the second trimester, the first being triplets and the second two single children, so a total of 5 children lost before they even had a chance to live. They went on to have two children after those experiences, and she wrote about finding hope after such incredible loss. Three in a row? I feel like I am processing the loss of Charlotte pretty well, but how would I feel if it happened again? And a third time? We want three more children, and now I know first hand that no pregnancy is necessarily safe until the baby has been delivered. And of course after delivery there are even more things that could happen to a child. I have never been the type to get caught up in "what if" and I'm not going to start now, but I do have a larger respect for things that I've just always thought wouldn't happen to me.

After church I went to a Women's Ministry Team meeting, where more tears were shed as the women I serve with prayed over me and allowed me to talk about Charlotte. Then during prayer at the end of the meeting, I prayed over our meals ministry. Being the good southern women we are, we cook and bake our hearts out for those in need, and this ministry helps us do that. Whenever someone is sick, or has a baby or some other need, they can get meals out of the church freezer that is kept well stocked by women that just make an extra casserole or buy an extra bag of rolls or vegetables and bring them in. Then women sign up to bring meals to the family for a week, a few weeks, or even longer depending on the need.

The meals we have received since Charlotte's death have been such a blessing, and as I prayed for that ministry I was overcome by how blessed we are. It is hard to accept such generosity, and harder this time than it was after we had Noelle. Bringing home a new baby, I was willing to admit that I had no time and energy to make meals for my family, and I was thankful for the break. But this time, I do have the time, technically, and usually the energy. But my friends know more than I can easily admit that I just can't handle the daily routine stuff right now. Because of these meals, I don't have to put any time into planning what my family will eat and then doing all the prep and cooking of those meals. With my mind off of cooking, I have been able to do some journaling, praying, connecting with friends, and just plain resting. Grieving is harder work than I would have thought.


Quickly on a much lighter note, today Noelle and I went to the grocery store and she was getting restless in the checkout line. I handed her my credit card to hold while I unloaded our cart, and she held it up near the credit card machine and started swiping it through the air. Someone behind us said, "just one year old and she already knows how to use a credit card!" That's my girl.

It has been one week since I discovered that my daughter Charlotte, who I thought was happily gestating along, had died in my womb some weeks earlier. One week since I was told that the very cord that connected her to me and was meant to sustain her life had taken it instead. One week since receiving some of the worst news a parent could ever hear. One week since I learned all over again that sometimes life is very, very unfair. One week since I held my 3.4 ounce little girl and had to tell her goodbye, then hand her back to the Lord before I even had a chance to know her.

I am thankful for the 19 weeks I carried Charlotte. I loved her before she was even conceived, and I had so many dreams for her. I saw her wiggling inside me at a 9 week ultrasound, I heard her heart beating strongly at 14 weeks, and I am sure I felt her tiny movements in what must have been her last days. I bought new clothes to show off my just beginning to grow belly, because I was so proud to be carrying another precious child. We bought a book to tell Noelle about the little baby that would be coming into our lives, and we knew that they would just be the best of friends. We were so excited to be adding this new little life into our family.

I will probably never understand why this happened, and really I guess that isn't all that important anyway. It happened, and it was a medical fluke, but I have to believe that the God who created Charlotte has something beautiful planned to come from the life she lived only inside of me. Most of the time, it gives me comfort to know that she is in the arms of Jesus even though I wish she were in mine. I know that grieving is a process that I can't put a time limit on, and that a day will come when I don't want to weep every time I think about Charlotte or see a pregnant woman or a new baby or a pair of sisters, but this is all pretty new to me right now. I am so thankful that I have friends and family who understand that I don't know how to do this, and who want to give me the time and the support I will need to grieve and heal. More importantly, I am thankful that God knows my heart and can understand my pain even when I can't speak at all, that he loves me even though I sometimes feel angry at him and question why this had to happen. I know that on the other side of all my current grief and suffering is the hope that can only come from knowing God.

The pain that I feel over the loss of Charlotte will never go away, but I know that it will get easier in time. Grief comes in waves, but it gives me hope to know that the waves that are currently crashing over my head and knocking me off my feet will eventually turn into calmer waters.