Today was rough. Mondays have never been a favorite of mine, ever since my youngest days at school. Now that I am a stay at home mom, I almost dislike them even more if that's possible. We rarely have anything planned, and wide open days with Noelle and Mommy almost always equal lots of tears and yelling. Looking back, I honestly don't think Noelle made one good choice today, and frankly I didn't either. Days like this leave me feeling pretty crushed, convicted, and sometimes hopeless.

In the midst of all the strife of today, I learned a very important lesson from Noelle. I had just severely yelled at her for something and stormed out of the room, and she came in moments later offering me a pretend cup of blueberry juice. I said to her, "Noelle, why do you even WANT to play with me? All I've been doing is yelling at you all day!" She shrugged her shoulders and said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Because I love you."

Right then God spoke to me, "That is how I feel about you."

My community group has been studying the book of Jonah, and I don't think I had ever truly read his story. I knew Jonah did not want to do what God asked, but I did not understand the lengths he went to to avoid doing so. I didn't understand that his reason for not wanting to go was that he didn't think the people of Nineveh deserved God's mercy, and he did not want God offering it to them, especially not through him. When we started studying Jonah I thought, "wow, there is no one that I hate SO much that I wouldn't even want them to be saved." Today I realized it is about more than salvation.

When someone wrongs me, like I felt Noelle did today, I have a hard time letting it go. It's not so much that I hold a grudge, but I do hold on to the bad feeling for a long time. I talked to Andy during the day about how rough it was, and he suggested going to a place that has a bunch of inflatables to play around on. I said no, Noelle did not deserve to have something like that after the day we'd had. I barely even wanted to talk to her, and basically punished her by ignoring her for the better part of the day. Now I realize that when I am not willing to offer mercy, which can only come from God, I am saying I don't want that person to experience God's mercy.

Jonah did finally obey, albeit reluctantly, but he continued to be angry with God for showing mercy to the people of Nineveh. God desires for us to "do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God" (Micah 6:8). He wants me to LOVE to offer His mercy to others. He loves to offer mercy to us. Over and over I sin against God, and yet He still desires to be with me. Even as I run from Him, God actively pursues me, as He did Jonah and as Noelle did for me today. "Because I love you."

Lord, help me to more deeply understand your mercy. Thank you for speaking through Noelle today to remind me of the kind of parent you are. You offer mercy even in the midst of blatant disobedience. Your discipline can come in the form of storms and near drowning and hot sun, but it is always given hand in hand with calming of the storm, protection from drowning, and shade from the sun. Help me to remember you when I desire to withhold mercy, so that your mercy spills out of me. None of us deserve your mercy, but it is free to us anyway in spite of our sin. Change my attitude, Lord. I pray that I can become more like my child, offering love even when love hasn't been given. Help me to love your mercy as I see you pour it onto those I might say do not deserve it. I know I am one of those, and I am forever grateful that you are such a good Dad and patient teacher.

I would really like to go to Target to get a few things. Some bins to store outgrown clothes, maybe a new full length mirror to replace the one Noelle broke, some toy storage, a replacement filter for the vaccuum. I've been wanting to go for a while but with two kids there is never really a "good" time. You just have to go. So today both kids took terrible naps and woke up early, and I thought let's just GO!

When Noelle woke up I told her we were going to go to Target. She immediately had a fit, and said she did not want to go. I gave her some time to wake up a bit and mentioned it again. She still did not want to go. She asked to watch a show and I said no, I want you to go to Target with me so I won't turn on a show. (And before anyone thinks it, yes, I know she's 3 and I can make her go anywhere I want, but she's not great company if she doesn't want to go, and sometimes it isn't worth it for me.)

Finally I thought of something that would surely make her want to go with me. I told her if she went to Target I would get her popcorn while we were there. She gasped and acted all excited, and I thought YES! We can get out of the house! I said, "so you'll go with me then?" And she said, "hmmm.....no."

At least she can't be bought.

Today we had Evan's 4 month check up. A little bit late due to postponing shots at his 2 month visit and having to wait 6 weeks in between. I scheduled it on a Tuesday thinking Noelle would be at school, but at her new school they had today off for President's Day since the MW group had yesterday off. So, she got to go with me to the Doctor again. She doesn't do TOO bad, but it's just much easier when I only have Evan to worry about.

Here are his stats:
Weight - 19 lbs 10 oz (off the charts)
Height - 26 1/4 inches (90th percentile)

I checked in Noelle's baby book to see how they compared, and at her 4 month visit she was 15 lb 9 oz and 26 inches tall (FOUR pounds more in just a quarter of an inch more height!).

Evan's Doctor is still looking for a possible answer about why he is so wheezy, and so she is setting up an appointment with a specialist for us. We just want to know once and for all - is he just a noisy breathing kid, or is there something we can do to help him? We've tried a lot of different things, none of which seem to work, but I'd like to know definitively that I can stop the parade of treatments and just accept my little wheezer for what he is.

He is at a fun stage right now, really starting to notice the world around him. As Andy would say, "he's starting to do stuff." That's the stage that most dads look forward to, I think. He's a super sweet boy, and we feel so blessed to have him in our family.

I was sitting with Noelle at lunch just now and let out a big sigh, just because I'm tired. ('of what?' Noelle inquired when I said as much). After I sighed, Noelle sighed also and said, "It was a loooong day at play group." Rough life for a 3 year old.

This morning I asked Noelle what she wanted for breakfast and she thought for a second and said, "do we have any of those oatmeal cookies?" I said yes, but you can't have one for breakfast. She said "for lunch?" and I said yes, she could have one for lunch. I asked her again what she wanted for breakfast. She said, "lunch."

I tend to go through phases of being excited to blog and then not really having much interest in it. Lately I've not had much interest. I'm sure there are a variety of factors involved, some good and some not as good. I hope that the few readers I have out there are able to hang on through the ups and downs, because frankly, that's real life.

The not as good: My son waking up 3 times a night wanting to eat, and therefore not allowing me much sleep. My daughter finding lots of new ways to be willful. Never ending loads of laundry from the girl's seemingly constant "not quite to the potty" accidents and the boy's "I haven't pooped in 3 days" poop blowouts. Taxes. Generally feeling kind of blah.

The good: A few really nice weather days that allowed us some much needed trips to places like the zoo and playground. Several birthday parties and playdates. A switch to a new school for Noelle. Enjoying laughing with my son. Naps. A new method of meal planning.

So I'm sorry if a lack of posts leaves you feeling disappointed or out of touch. I feel out of touch, too, and it's hard to say how much one influences the other. Just know that it will come around again eventually!