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Cherries, Charlotte, and Celebration
on May 31 2009 at 09:21 AM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Andy, Jaime, Charlotte Mae
Click to see a larger photo I really like cherries. They only come around for a short time, and they are crazy expensive as fruit goes, but they are so good! I never used to buy them, but for the third year in a row I will allow myself to buy as many as I want while they are in season. Two years ago on this day, we lost our daughter Charlotte at 19 weeks of pregnancy. We went in for a routine ultrasound and discovered that she had died, and after a short induction and labor, we held our tiny baby and said hello and goodbye all in just a few minutes time. In my grief, enjoying cherries comforted my soul just a tiny bit, and now when I see them come back to the grocery store I remember my little girl. Not that I need help to remember her, but it's nice to have something outside of myself that brings Charlotte to mind. It makes her that much more real to me, when sometimes it all seems like it was a dream. So for you, Charlotte, I will enjoy all I can of this special fruit while it lasts, because you taught me that it's important to enjoy the people and things you love while they are with you. I am quite sure that we will share a bowl of cherries when we see each other again in Heaven.

Today is also our wedding anniversary, six years ago today Andy and I got married! Which means that six years and 5 months ago we started dating! It all happened fast, too fast in the eyes of some (I'm talking to you, random woman at my bridal shower), but I think it's turned out pretty great. We have had our ups and downs, to be sure, some brought on by life, some by ourselves, but we are still learning and growing together in love. We enjoyed an anniversary dinner last night at a local restaurant called Watanabe, followed by a walk around 5 Points here in East Nashville. There are a lot of things that have changed about me since meeting Andy, one of which is my sense of adventure when it comes to food. Growing up I was convinced my mom was trying to make me eat alligator when she served salisbury steak, and while I still wouldn't eat alligator, I will try almost any non-meat food and like most of it. I am nowhere near as adventuresome as Andy would like, but I think he's proud of the way his tastes have rubbed off on me. Marriage has turned into a greater compromise in some areas than I think either of us ever thought it would be, but in that, we have both been stretched to truly expand and grow, and I know that I at least am better off for it.

May 31 will probably always be a bittersweet day, but I am grateful for both my daughter and my husband, both of whom will be in my life forever here and in eternity. Happy Birthday, Charlotte, and Happy Anniversary, Andy! I love you!
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Happy Anniversary AND happy Charlotte. I wish you gladness in remembering and looking forward to seeing her again!

Ariana - June 02, 2009 09:09 pm

I love you baby. I AM proud of your taste changes, and your willingness to try new things. I think I'll be able to die when you finally agree to try fish, but until then we can live together happily, and I can watch you eat cherries until your "fat pants split".

andy matthews - June 05, 2009 10:07 am

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Anniversary
on May 31 2008 at 11:05 PM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Andy, Jaime, Charlotte Mae
Today we are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, as well as the 1 year anniversary of the day Charlotte was born. Celebrate almost seems like the wrong word when thinking about Charlotte, but after looking it up in the dictionary I think it's just right. The definition of celebrate is "to observe a day or commemorate an event with ceremonies or festivities", or "to make known publicly; proclaim." It comes from the Latin word celebrare, which means "to solemnize, celebrate, honor," but also "to frequent, to fill together." Times of celebration remind us that we are part of a community, we are not going through this life alone.

An article I read online today said that celebration "fulfills a human need in two ways. First, we all have the need to escape the pressures of everyday life and the responsibilities which absorb so much of our time. We need to distance ourselves from this pressure in order to grasp the depth and fullness of daily life. Second, celebration allows us to enter into a more profound communion with the social groups that define us. Our relationships define each one of us as a social entity and help to integrate us more fully into the body to which we belong."

As I get older I find myself caring less about my birthday, Mother's Day, and all those other holidays that put the focus on me. I tell myself that although a break from responsibility and recognition of the day are appreciated, I don't need anything. What I forget, though, is that God created us to need each other. He made all believers a family, brothers and sisters, and His son prayed many times that we would be one as the trinity is one.

The same article referenced this passage in the Bible:
Now the company of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things which he had possessed was his own, but they had everything in common ... There was not a needy person among them, for as many were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of what was sold and laid it at the apostles' feet, and distribution was made to each as any had need (Acts 4:32, 34-35).

I'm not necessarily suggesting that I'd like to go back to communal living, but there was a lot of good in that way of life. We try to do entirely too much on our own, and we're all frazzled as a result. This has lended itself to us having a much harder time understanding the concept of dependence on God. We can do for ourselves what needs to be done, we're told to take control of our own lives, set boundaries, get as much out of this life as we can. All of that is well and good, but it too often sacrifices community in favor of "personal growth."

The author also wrote that "those who champion individualism think of freedom as the absence of interference from outside forces. In contrast, ...think of freedom as the ability to make our lives a gift through which we deepen our relationship with the community. A person is a being-in-relationship, and to exist is to be in a relationship. To deny relationality is to hover on the brink of non-being. But the more we belong to one another--the more we are able to make ourselves a gift--the more fully we exist."

What does all of this have to do with Charlotte? When she died one year ago, I had a choice. I could have shut down, kept it inside, let it alienate me and weaken my faith. Or, I could see it through God's eyes, and ask "to what end." Andy and I decided from the first moment we saw Charlotte's little body on the ultrasound screen with no heart beating that this had to be something that drew us closer together and closer to God, or what was the point in the suffering? I had to allow myself to need my friends and family, even though it was really hard at times. I saw all of those people coming together to surround us in prayer, fill our refrigerator, care for Noelle, and help me grieve, and it reminded me that I was not alone.

I have always believed that it is best to share my struggles openly instead of keeping them locked away, and many times people have thanked me for my candor. They often open up themselves afterward, and a depth is added to our friendship that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. When I read the part of the definition of celebration that said, "to make known publicly; proclaim," my first thought was of my committment to claim Charlotte as my child to everyone I meet. I don't often let an opportunity pass me by to say that I have another daughter. Noelle knows her sister's name, and knows that she is in heaven. Every time I share her story, I am celebrating her existence, her role in my life. I am thankful to her for teaching me about reliance on God and others, and for giving me an opportunity to build deeper relationships with those in my community. Happy Birthday, Charlotte Mae Matthews. Your mommy loves you and will be with you again someday.
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Thank you for sharing! I personally am very thankful for your openness and willingness to be honest about your struggles. I'm sure that was a hard day, but I'm glad you were able to celebrate and remember her. And happy anniversary!! Can't wait to meet New Baby Matthews :)

Tiana - June 02, 2008 02:02 pm

What a great tribute to Charlotte! I continue to be amazed at your wonderful talent for putting things into words. I thank God everyday for bringing you into our lives through Andy. We are blessed to have you as a daughter in-law and the mother of our grandchildren! Happy 5th to you and Andy.

Carol - June 04, 2008 03:43 am

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From a parrot...
on January 27 2008 at 07:22 AM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Noelle Jordan, Charlotte Mae
...to a MONKEY. Within the last few weeks Noelle has learned to climb out of her crib, and does so at least once every pre-nap time and sometimes before falling asleep at night. Last night she got quiet pretty fast after we put her to bed, and Andy commented on how she must have been tired. I said, "Or, she got ou..." and looked toward her room, and there in the hallway was Noelle. As much as she loves climbing, I guess it was just a matter of time before she conquered the crib.

This morning, I woke up at 6:45 to see a little girl standing in my doorway. She insisted that she did NOT climb out of her crib, but evidence suggests otherwise. She told me that, "I was reading a story with Nacho!" Thankfully she didn't wander throughout the rest of the house! I pulled her into bed with us for a few minutes, although she wouldn't really lay down, but it was a sweet glimpse of times to come. I know this is just the first of many times we wake to find her in our room. I think we'll hold it off a little while by latching the gate to her bedroom, though!

So this afternoon we're heading to the store to buy a bed rail for the day bed that's already in Noelle's room. We will give her a few days trial on that before taking down the crib for storage. My mom tells a story of me having a rough night on a big girl bed and her threatening to bring my crib back in, to which I cried, "Okay!" I can't see Noelle having that kind of attachment to the crib, but we'll leave it just in case.

It's very bittersweet to think about taking down the crib. Noelle is getting too big, too fast, for one. Also, that crib was meant to hold Charlotte, and taking it down is just the last piece of that dream for us. But we won't need it for at least 9 months, so it just makes sense. And finally, I'm sure that keeping Noelle in that daybed isn't going to be much of a picnic either. Should be fun! My crazy little monkey is about to get a big girl bed.
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it was good talking to you today! I am sure that you miss Charlotte every day and taking down the crib will be tough...but know that you're in our prayers...and i'm sure you'll have use for that crib again someday!!

*sara* - January 28, 2008 06:14 pm

Ah, your little girl is growing up. Be glad that she didn't start this as young as her daddy did. I never thought about what the impact would be on you and Andy putting away the crib & putting away your dreams of/for Charlotte. That such a mundane task should have such a effect is something most of us would not even consider. You will be in our prayers as you prepare to move into this new phase. I will also continue to pray that God will bless you and Andy soon with more children. Love and hugs.

Grammy - January 31, 2008 06:18 am

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Holding on to Hope
on January 10 2008 at 10:07 AM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: General, Charlotte Mae
Excerpts from "Holding on to Hope" by Nancy Guthrie

So many people are afraid to bring up my loss. They don't want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel. I tell people, "Don't worry about crying in front of me, and don't be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me you care, and my tears tell you that you've touched me in a place that is meaningful to me - and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief."

When others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me. It is, perhaps, the most meaningful thing anyone can do for me.

Even now I can't say I'm healed. Part of my heart is no longer mine. I gave it to Hope and she took it with her, and I will forever feel that amputation.

Before losing Hope, I never really understood why people found such comfort in knowing their loved one is in heaven, but I do now. When you lose someone you love, heaven becomes much more of a reality, much more than a theological concept or theatrical cliche. I have come to the place where I believe a yearning for heaven is one of the purposes and one of the privileges of suffering and of losing someone you love. You see, a piece of me is there. I now see in a much fuller way that this life is just a shadow of our real life - of eternal life in the presence of God.



I read through this book yesterday while I was organizing the office. It was given to me after Charlotte died, along with several other books about loss and infant death, but for a long time I was unable to read any of them. We are having a difficult time waiting to become pregnant with baby #3, and I feel like I'm grieving all over again. Or I never stopped. The author of this book lost a daughter and then a son, both only lived about 6 months due to a genetic disease. Put Charlotte's name in place of Hope's and you will know exactly how I feel.

I have had several friends and acquaintances completely stop talking to me since Charlotte died, and some that will talk to me, but not about Charlotte. It hurts. I don't blame them. Before I lost Charlotte, I don't think I could have very easily gone there with a friend either. I just wish that everyone knew that it's okay to cry, or to make me cry. I wish that people didn't look at me so strangely when I say I have one daughter here and one in heaven. Why is it so difficult for us to carry each other's burdens when it comes to death and loss? Are we just so scared of it happening to us that we don't want to think about it?

The last paragraph I quoted from the book is really true for me. I didn't think about heaven much at all until Charlotte died, and now even though I love my life here and want to have 3 more children to love and raise on this earth, I see that my life will never be just as I want it to be until I get to heaven. My family will never be complete as long as Charlotte is separate from us. Even if I live another 70 years, my life here is just a blip compared to eternity in heaven.

I will continue to tell people about my daughter in heaven, even if it makes them squirm, because maybe if all of us who have lost babies before they breathed on this earth would claim them as our children, people would start to value life at conception like they should. Maybe if I remind them of heaven and that our loved ones are there, they will start to develop a deeper view of what God has in store for his children. Romans 8:18 says, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Charlotte helped me understand how true that is.
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Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason that the Lord took Charlotte from us Jaimes. Maybe he realized that this was a subject many people, including the two of us, are very uncomfortable with.

These days, no one wants to talk about death because it's not as common as it used to be. even as near as 50 years ago, infants died more often than they do now. People lost babies more than they do now. But people also talked to each other more...friendships and family ties went deeper.

Here's to hoping we can use Charlotte's passing to grow closer to our own friends and family.

Andy Matthews - January 10, 2008 09:31 am

I don't believe the Lord took Charlotte from you, but I do believe He can/will and is in the process of redeeming the darkness you have felt because of it. Life happens... medical flukes happen... evil is out there. Although I know He could if He wanted to, I will never believe that the God I serve chooses to take children or purposely cause tragedies. Why He doesn't prevent loss from happening is another question, but I do know that He is faithful, His promises are true and He WILL REDEEM these dark days of grief. We love you and are praying for another niece or nephew soon!

Melinda Bartling - January 10, 2008 09:12 pm

Thanks for sharing your heart. I'm so glad that there are books out there that have been written out of someone else's pain that help. I agree with Mindy that God didn't cause this to happen. The amazing thing is that there is no waste in God's economy. He has promised to take the very worst things that have happened to us and turn them into good if we let Him. Not that there is anything good about losing Charlotte...but good has already come out of the author's experience in losing Hope. You read it, you identified with it, it gave you a voice to share your experience. We love you guys...and we miss Charlotte too. Wish I could be there to hug you!!

Mom B - January 11, 2008 08:01 am

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A Big Weekend
on October 27 2007 at 09:00 PM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Family, Charlotte Mae
Click to see a larger photo We just got back from a Trunk or Treat event at our church, where people decorate the trunks of their cars and park in the lot, and the kids go around to all the cars to get candy. They also had inflatables, cotton candy, hot dogs, chips, and lemonade, hot chocolate and cider, and a few other little games. We went last year, too, but Noelle was obviously more able to enjoy it this year. She was a ladybug, as you can see to the right. She didn't want to wear the hood, so we used it to store her candy. Candy was definitely Noelle's favorite part. On the way home, she was repeating all the things she had said to get candy. "Turk or Treat!" "I'd LOVE some!" What a goof.

Last night, Andy and I went on a big date night. We went to dinner at The Melting Pot, which was a lot of fun and so good. How can you go wrong with dipping bits of food in cheese and chocolate? We had a great waiter, but I think they are all trained to be that way. Every waiter I saw acted like they were assigned to us, making sure we were taken care of. After dinner we walked down Broadway downtown and did the tourist thing a while. They certainly perpetuate the myth that Nashville is all about country music on that strip! Then we made it to our hotel where we stayed overnight downtown, and in the morning we went out to breakfast at a local place called Fido. Andy dropped me off at the hotel to have a few more hours to myself while he came home and relieved our friends that had been taking care of Noelle. I spent my time taking a nice long shower, reading a book, and watching a little tv. It was very nice.

All the while, of course, I was thinking about Charlotte. Today was her due date, and all week I have been thinking about how she should be in my arms now. We drove past the hospital on our way to breakfast, and I teared up thinking about the fact that I wasn't there this week, and that I was there 5 months ago and came home brokenhearted.

One of my friends tonight asked me if I had been able to ask God yet what purpose he had in all this, and although I don't know that the answer makes it any easier, I really feel like He revealed that to us early on. Andy and I both decided from the first moment that this had to be something that brought us closer to each other and closer to God, or what was the point in all the suffering. Charlotte's death has put a lot of strain on our family, to be sure, but I think more than that it has bonded us in a way that we weren't bonded before. I have a new desire to know the Lord in a deeper way, and especially to know more about Heaven and His promises for us.

This week I read a little book my mom gave me after Charlotte died called "I'll Hold You in Heaven." It talks about what the Bible says about miscarried, stillborn, and aborted babies - their souls, whether they are in Heaven, and if we will meet them. It talks about how Jesus, when he was barely conceived, caused John to jump in Elizabeth's womb, and how John, 3 months from being born, was already fulfilling his role of announcing the coming of Jesus. Then it talks about David, and his son with Bathsheba that died a few days after he was born, and how David rejoiced and said his son would not return, but that he would be with his son. The book meant a lot to me this week, and really helped me to be able to claim Charlotte as my daughter and a part of my family that is just experiencing Heaven before I do. I know now that I will tell people who ask me how many kids I have that I have two daughters. One on earth, and one in Heaven.
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Trunk or treat was loads of fun. It's so awesome to see Noelle running around like a real person, aleit a real person dressed like a ladybug.

andy matthews - October 27, 2007 08:51 pm

I'm glad you and andy got some time for yourselves this weekend, to just be married, to mourn charlotte, and to love each other. We did treat-n-trunk last night too--scott and i decorate the van, and then the quizzers hang out to pass out the candy :) its lots of fun!

*sara* - October 29, 2007 07:42 am

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Postpartum Visit
on June 20 2007 at 03:50 PM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Jaime, Charlotte Mae
I visited my midwife yesterday for a postpartum check up. I was glad to go, because I had a few questions that I wanted to ask and just wanted to reconnect with my midwife. I was pretty out of it while she was there with me at the hospital, and I knew there were a few things she talked with Andy about that I was asleep or in surgery for. We spent the majority of time talking about how I'm doing emotionally and how I'm processing Charlotte's death, and I left knowing that right there is why I chose to use a midwife. I shared with Margaret how wonderful our experience at the hospital was, considering, and how I felt so cared for by every single person we came into contact with. Vanderbilt was so respectful of me, and more importantly, of Charlotte. My nurse cried with me and let me talk as much as I needed to, the resident who performed the D&C patted and rubbed my arm as I was going under anesthesia, and everyone who came to our room said they were sorry about Charlotte's death and didn't just do what they had to do and ignore the reason. I was very impressed with the way Vanderbilt cared for us and for Charlotte.

One of the questions I asked today was about some things I've read online since Charlotte died, namely that a baby who dies in the womb will start to shrink at the same rate they would have grown if they continued to develop. That led me to believe that Charlotte was probably closer to 18 weeks old when she died as opposed to the 16.5 weeks she was measuring, and Margaret agreed that was probably the case. I am glad to know that she had likely only been dead for a few days or a week, because now I know that I felt her moving the weekend before, and I am glad to have that memory.

She also said it was likely that the cord got wrapped loosely around Charlotte's neck early on, and as she grew she was just never able to wiggle out of it. That image is not one that I enjoy having, but I do feel some resolution knowing that it was definitely a cord accident and nothing else, and the likelihood of that happening is like being struck by lightning. I will still be anxious with our next pregnancies, but I can feel fairly confident that this was an isolated incident.

The last question I had was when it will be okay to try for another baby, and while my nurses at the hospital suggested 6 months because of the blood I lost, Margaret said it would be fine to try after 3 as long as I pursue a diet high in iron and continue my vitamins. We hope that we have the same fertility luck we've had thusfar, but know that isn't by any means a guarantee and has been a complete blessing. So, our prayer is that by the time Charlotte's year anniversary comes along, we are close to a due date for our third child. I just want to be in a place in our pregnancy that I can feel the baby moving all the time and feel more confident than you can feel at the stage I was in with Charlotte.

And now Noelle is probably finishing up what looks to be a 3 hour nap, so I'm going to try and enjoy the last few minutes of free time I have!
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Happy Father's Day!
on June 17 2007 at 08:39 AM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Andy, Charlotte Mae
Click to see a larger photo I took this picture yesterday at the fountains, and I printed it out and framed it for Andy to put on his desk at work. They had such a great time together at the fountains, running all over the place and climbing every stair they had. I love watching Andy and Noelle together. Sometimes the things he does with her make me cringe, like hanging her upside down by her feet, throwing her too high in the air for my comfort, or wrestling around with her on the floor, but I know those things are important for her, too. And more often, he is gentle and caring in a way that only a child could bring out in a person.

Andy is constantly amazed by Noelle and lets her know it. He tells her that he loves her multiple times every day, and shows her by all the little things he does. He gets up with her every weekday morning and changes her, feeds her breakfast, and plays with her before he gets ready for work. She loves to watch his car leave the driveway in the morning, and she asks about Daddy several times throughout each day. The look in her eyes when she hears his car pull into the driveway at the end of the day, and when he comes into the house after work, is one of pure excitement and joy.

I can tell that Andy loves his role as Daddy, and he is really good at it. Usually. Haha. All dads have their moments, right? Things they do or forget to do that a mom would do "better." But even if he forgets her sippy cup or an extra diaper, or feeds her chips and salsa for breakfast, or lets her run around naked and pee on the floor, I know how important it is for Noelle to have him in her life, doing things exactly the way he does them.

I really miss Charlotte today. Andy was telling Noelle this morning that she is one of the reasons that he is celebrating today, along with the other babies that are waiting to be in mommy's belly. And her sister that should have been with us still today, but will only know her Heavenly Father, not her earthly one. Of course, even the perfect earthly father cannot compare to the way God loves and cares for His children, but I still wish Charlotte could have known her Daddy. She would have loved him as much as Noelle, I'm sure of it.
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Grief, Blessings, and Credit
on June 11 2007 at 10:07 PM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Noelle Jordan, Charlotte Mae
Church yesterday was hard, as I knew it would be. A lot of people that I hadn't seen since we lost Charlotte who wanted to offer sympathy, a lot of pregnant women, and just being well loved by our church body all contributed to a good number of tears shed. During the opening prayer, the elder was talking about God's power and how he can move mountains and heal his people and bring children into the lives of families. As I sat there listening, I experienced the anger stage of grieving for the first time. That's right, God, you are all powerful, and you can save and heal and bring life. Why didn't you do that for Charlotte? Why wouldn't you do that for me? It passed pretty quickly, but I was very angry during that prayer.

During the service, I just couldn't pay attention, so I started to flip through a book our Children's Pastor gave me called "Losing You Too Soon" by Bernadette Keaggy, wife of Phil Keaggy. They lost three pregnancies in a row in the second trimester, the first being triplets and the second two single children, so a total of 5 children lost before they even had a chance to live. They went on to have two children after those experiences, and she wrote about finding hope after such incredible loss. Three in a row? I feel like I am processing the loss of Charlotte pretty well, but how would I feel if it happened again? And a third time? We want three more children, and now I know first hand that no pregnancy is necessarily safe until the baby has been delivered. And of course after delivery there are even more things that could happen to a child. I have never been the type to get caught up in "what if" and I'm not going to start now, but I do have a larger respect for things that I've just always thought wouldn't happen to me.

After church I went to a Women's Ministry Team meeting, where more tears were shed as the women I serve with prayed over me and allowed me to talk about Charlotte. Then during prayer at the end of the meeting, I prayed over our meals ministry. Being the good southern women we are, we cook and bake our hearts out for those in need, and this ministry helps us do that. Whenever someone is sick, or has a baby or some other need, they can get meals out of the church freezer that is kept well stocked by women that just make an extra casserole or buy an extra bag of rolls or vegetables and bring them in. Then women sign up to bring meals to the family for a week, a few weeks, or even longer depending on the need.

The meals we have received since Charlotte's death have been such a blessing, and as I prayed for that ministry I was overcome by how blessed we are. It is hard to accept such generosity, and harder this time than it was after we had Noelle. Bringing home a new baby, I was willing to admit that I had no time and energy to make meals for my family, and I was thankful for the break. But this time, I do have the time, technically, and usually the energy. But my friends know more than I can easily admit that I just can't handle the daily routine stuff right now. Because of these meals, I don't have to put any time into planning what my family will eat and then doing all the prep and cooking of those meals. With my mind off of cooking, I have been able to do some journaling, praying, connecting with friends, and just plain resting. Grieving is harder work than I would have thought.


Quickly on a much lighter note, today Noelle and I went to the grocery store and she was getting restless in the checkout line. I handed her my credit card to hold while I unloaded our cart, and she held it up near the credit card machine and started swiping it through the air. Someone behind us said, "just one year old and she already knows how to use a credit card!" That's my girl.
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Missing Charlotte
on June 07 2007 at 03:51 PM by: Jaime Matthews
File under: Charlotte Mae
It has been one week since I discovered that my daughter Charlotte, who I thought was happily gestating along, had died in my womb some weeks earlier. One week since I was told that the very cord that connected her to me and was meant to sustain her life had taken it instead. One week since receiving some of the worst news a parent could ever hear. One week since I learned all over again that sometimes life is very, very unfair. One week since I held my 3.4 ounce little girl and had to tell her goodbye, then hand her back to the Lord before I even had a chance to know her.

I am thankful for the 19 weeks I carried Charlotte. I loved her before she was even conceived, and I had so many dreams for her. I saw her wiggling inside me at a 9 week ultrasound, I heard her heart beating strongly at 14 weeks, and I am sure I felt her tiny movements in what must have been her last days. I bought new clothes to show off my just beginning to grow belly, because I was so proud to be carrying another precious child. We bought a book to tell Noelle about the little baby that would be coming into our lives, and we knew that they would just be the best of friends. We were so excited to be adding this new little life into our family.

I will probably never understand why this happened, and really I guess that isn't all that important anyway. It happened, and it was a medical fluke, but I have to believe that the God who created Charlotte has something beautiful planned to come from the life she lived only inside of me. Most of the time, it gives me comfort to know that she is in the arms of Jesus even though I wish she were in mine. I know that grieving is a process that I can't put a time limit on, and that a day will come when I don't want to weep every time I think about Charlotte or see a pregnant woman or a new baby or a pair of sisters, but this is all pretty new to me right now. I am so thankful that I have friends and family who understand that I don't know how to do this, and who want to give me the time and the support I will need to grieve and heal. More importantly, I am thankful that God knows my heart and can understand my pain even when I can't speak at all, that he loves me even though I sometimes feel angry at him and question why this had to happen. I know that on the other side of all my current grief and suffering is the hope that can only come from knowing God.

The pain that I feel over the loss of Charlotte will never go away, but I know that it will get easier in time. Grief comes in waves, but it gives me hope to know that the waves that are currently crashing over my head and knocking me off my feet will eventually turn into calmer waters.
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Hi Jamie. I was a friend of your brothers in college. I found this link on their blog site. I just wanted to tell you that your words have really touched my heart. Thank you so much for sharing and continued blessings to you and your family.

Jillian - December 16, 2009 11:13 am

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